Hello... again

When the time comes to break the patterns

As I turn 50 this year, it feels like a chance to continue looking inward and finally let go of some things holding me back.

I say some because, while there is limited energy for days filled with worry over being judged (was I too loud, too quiet, too fat, too etc…), I can’t pretend these thoughts don’t still creep in regularly and I can’t pretend they aren’t unnecessarily mean.

Last year started out strong, and I thought I was finally ready to embrace all of myself, but nope, there was more to learn.

After hosting my Master the Art of Being Seen webinar in early 2025, I launched the Be Seen photo sessions, encouraging women to show up as themselves… and then I went into ‘hiding’.

“I wasn’t ready to show up as myself” is the face-value conclusion, but there was more to it, and it’s one of many reasons I believe people feel stuck.

I won’t minimize how far I’ve come. I’ve pushed myself in meaningful ways, but the truth is, I’ve also been holding myself back, despite the longing for more.

My childhood was full of encouragement and opportunities to learn, grow, and become the best version of myself. I learned from incredible women about confidence, creativity, and putting myself out there. And still, it wasn’t enough to take the leap of faith required to step fully outside my comfort zone.

A consistent theme throughout my life has been trying not to offend anyone and avoiding confrontation at all costs.

I hate when people are upset or mad, especially when it’s directed my way. Fear of ending up on a “bad list” somehow convinced me that speaking my truth meant offending others, which would inevitably lead to confrontation.

As an adult, it’s easy to see why I would avoid that at all costs. In reality, the only one truly offended by me not speaking my truth is me. And confronting myself with that fact is uncomfortable… and dare I say, liberating.

I’m not upset with myself for doing what I needed to do to feel safe. I feel empathy and I can say: It’s okay, Merry. We are safe now.

If none of this feels like enough, I don’t know what will be. All I know is I can’t pretend anymore and that feels like the first step.

I can’t pretend life is always okay.

I can’t pretend I always want to be seen.

I can’t pretend I’m always motivated to create.

And despite all of that, I really can’t pretend the urge to try is so strong it feels as though my life depends on it.

I don’t need to hide when things aren’t perfect. I need to shine light there and help others do the same.

If this brought something up for you, sit with it. Journal on it. Or share it here if that feels supportive.